It seems like a lot of people have been suffering recently \u2013 I\u2019ve heard friends, coworkers and strangers on the subway describe everything from a major case of the \u2018blahs\u2019 to serious periods of depression. It\u2019s not unusual to feel cranky this time of year \u2013 the holidays are a distant memory, spring seems too far away, and we\u2019re sick of piling on all the coats and scarves and boots every day just to brave the elements.<\/p>\n
For some, there are relatively quick fixes \u2013 a good vitamin D supplement, the ever more popular Netflix binge, or even (for those who can afford to do so), a week away to somewhere warm and sunny. Then there are the hearty types among you who choose to embrace all that winter offers \u2013 \u2018If you can\u2019t beat it, join it!\u2019 you cry out as you courageously leap on your toboggan and head down the hill for the eleventh time.<\/p>\n
And then there are those for whom no amount of sun, vitamins or snowball fights can keep our moods from getting, and staying, dark. Even if they haven\u2019t \u2018officially\u2019 told you there\u2019s a problem, it\u2019s that person you know whose mood doesn\u2019t seem to lift, regardless of the weather\u2026it could be a senior, a newcomer, or just someone who seems to be struggling.<\/p>\n
So I\u2019d like to offer some observations and suggestions to those of you who want to help that person, but don\u2019t know what to do. First, let me start with a disclaimer \u2013 I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or other \u2018ist\u2019, and I advise you not to try to be either. (Unless you actually are, in which case well done!) It\u2019s tempting to try to \u2018fix\u2019 or cure the people we love, but your most important role is likely to provide stable, consistent support, and encouragement in finding professional help.<\/p>\n
During my toughest times, the incredible people in my life don\u2019t cure my depression, but they do help to keep me from sinking further. Knowing they\u2019re there and concerned occasionally takes me out of my head, even when I\u2019m not able to thank them, or fully show my gratitude. It\u2019s those moments when I realize just how hard it is for them, too.<\/p>\n
And so it is with appreciation for those of you who love us through the dark days that I offer some honest advice that comes from my own experiences. Here goes\u2026<\/p>\n
In fact, assume you don\u2019t and can\u2019t. Hearing people say, \u2018You just need a day off\u2019, or \u2018I\u2019ve got a great joke that\u2019ll cheer you up!\u2019, or \u2018No wonder you\u2019re feeling blue with this weather\u2019, can sometimes make me feel like no one really understands what I\u2019m going through. I would much rather have someone just take my hand and grit through the awkward silence. I have a friend who will just gently rub my back to let me know she\u2019s there, and I find that really soothing.<\/p>\n
Parker Palmer is an author, educator, and incredibly wise man who has had his own journey with depression (my two favourite Parker Palmer books are A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life, and Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. If you\u2019re not up to reading, you can find some clips of his talks on youtube). He talks about how people\u2019s well-meaning attempts to cheer him up often made him feel worse because he either couldn\u2019t believe what they were saying, or couldn\u2019t do anything about it anyway. He also suggests that when we make these attempts to \u2018help\u2019, we are essentially trying to let ourselves off the hook\u2026at least we tried. It is much harder, he observes, to just walk with someone, to be with them while they\u2019re in pain. But that\u2019s often what we really need.<\/p>\n
I know this isn\u2019t easy \u2013 to watch someone close to you suffer, and not try to make it better. It can mean fighting every impulse in your body to help. I do it myself when someone I love is in distress \u2013 it\u2019s a natural instinct to want things to be better.<\/p>\n
But here\u2019s the thing\u2026we \u2013 at least some of us \u2013 pretty much know you can\u2019t fix us; we also know you want to. What we really need is for you to see us where we are \u2013 to really hear us and acknowledge the truth we\u2019re telling you, even if it\u2019s disturbing \u2013 without necessarily trying to solve the problem. I\u2019m using bold so this is an important bit here\u2026I\u2019m not talking about someone who is in immediate danger of harming themselves or you or someone else \u2013 there are times when you may feel you have to intervene and call for help. I\u2019m just saying that for those of us who function (to some degree) with depression or other mental illness on a day-to-day basis, we all experience, express and confront it differently. We need to you realize that, and hear what we tell you.<\/p>\n
By all means, tell us it\u2019s hard for you to see us in pain, tell us you love us and you wish you could kick its ass. Because whether we can show it or not, the fact that you\u2019re sticking with us through all this is a good thing. \u00a0If you\u2019re not sure what to do or say, ask us what you can do to help. Tell us when you notice something has changed. Confront us gently and honestly if you\u2019re worried things are getting worse, or if we say or do something that scares you.<\/p>\n
Bonnie shares her experience with depression.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":882,"parent":0,"template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false},"categories":[74,24],"class_list":["post-881","news","type-news","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-health-and-wellness","category-resources"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nych.ca\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/news\/881","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nych.ca\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/news"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nych.ca\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/news"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nych.ca\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/882"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nych.ca\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=881"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nych.ca\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=881"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}